Oh God, I am trying.
Within every inch of me I am trying.
All I want is to be happy.
Not just fake happy, like you are when you are with someone.
But I would love to be happy when I’m alone.
To be happy, or even content with my life.
I have no reason to be sad, depressed, upset or even complain.
But I just feel like a large black cloud is growing inside of me.
I’m trying to think of blue skies,
but that blackness is still looming,
Waiting for an excuse to become a storm.
Having to pay for a new mattress after the fire. Trying to distract myself from my thoughts and urges. Trying to keep up with uni and dance. Trying to be sociable. Trying to lose weight. Trying to be perfect. Trying.
Just always trying.
Its just Alice - Watercolour and ink
She collapsed, breathless, and ready to give up. The grass was soft brushing against her naked skin. Breathing shallow, and head is heavy, she knows she doesn’t have much time left. She takes her final breathes and whispers to the wind. And with that whisper, the wind drained her soul and carried on with the sky. Leaving a body lifeless, soulless and empty.
Everyone is saying I look a lot better now I’ve lost weight… Little do they know they are fueling the fire of my eating disorder…
She steps in time,
Her movements slow,
Her body knows where it must go.
An empty stage,
An audience of one,
Her body slowly come undone.
This space is hers,
This music strong,
This feels the place she does belong.
She fights the tears,
She fights the pain,
Her goal is not to entertain.
It is here she breathes,
It is here she can see,
It is here she can move naturally.
She wades through waves,
And glides through storms,
Her body slowly grows and transforms.
Her limbs released,
Her mind unchained,
She closes her eyes and slowly inhales.